She Drinks Skim Milk and She's Still FAT!

My dear old grandmother said these words about me at the dinner table over thirty years ago, yet they still haunt me. I don't run to my bedroom in tears like I did when I first heard them, and I can laugh when I tell the story now, but still they haunt me. I had a converstion about this with my brother Jim a couple of weeks ago, and he asked if this is one of the reasons I have pushed myself to physical extremes that I have. And yes, it is a part of it, a big part of it.

About 10 years ago I joined Weight Watchers for at least the third time in my life and lost 55 pounds. I had been jogging 3 miles a few times a week at that point, but as I neared my weight loss goal I felt like I needed another goal to keep myself on track. My friend Tomie was beginning to train for her first marathon and dragged me on an 8 mile run. I was so sore after that run (I remember it like it was yesterday), but I did it! I signed up for the marathon too.

But the words of my grandmother still lurk in the recesses of my brain ... "She runs marathons, and she's still fat!" and "She's an Ironman and she's still fat!" The other night, or morning I guess it was, when I couldn't sleep, I finished reading Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. Liz spent a year in Italy, India, and Bali in pursuit of pleasure, devotion, and balance and chronicled her experiences in this wonderful book. She tells of a time when she was on a tiny island east of Bali. After 9 days of silence, she dropped into a long (we're talking several hours!) meditation in which she faced everything in her life that had caused her sorrow, anger, and shame. She examined each one, and accepted, forgave, and loved it.

Now, I can barely sit for the 5 minutes of meditation at the beginning of my yoga class, but I CAN forgive my grandmother for uttering those hurtful words, I CAN forgive myself for believing those awful words, and I CAN accept and love my body as it is right now. And with that said, it is DONE!